Strategies for Phone Overuse (and Other Struggles)

 

A few weeks ago, you might remember that I wrote about phone addiction, which is something I'm really struggling with. Shortly after I wrote that post, I was talking to my friend Reba Riley about my problem, and she offered to help me out! I'm so thrilled to have someone to work with as a I strive to overcome this, as we all know how hard it can be doing it alone. As Reba and I work through this, I'll be sharing some guest posts from her here, featuring her wisdom and insights, so you can learn along with me.

A bit about Reba... She is a bestselling author, keynote speaker, television commentator, and life coach, who created TransforMotion: a coaching method focused on emotional transformation through physical action. Above all Reba is a friend committed to helping me — and our Positively Present community — overcome the challenges we face. My issue is the phone, but I think you’ll find her advice applicable to a wide range of struggles. Keep reading to learn about how Reba is helping me to tackle this tough situation! 

 

When Dani reached out to me about her compulsive phone use, my first thought was Courage.

I told Dani it takes tremendous courage to recognize a problem behavior and even more to ask for help.

We often overlook this everyday valor, because it doesn’t square with our idea of being brave. Firefighters and soldiers are the courageous ones, we think — which is true! But their bravery does not negate our own.

Courage is not about comparison: it is the act of taking the next right step in any situation you find yourself in.

I call this “Couraging” — because brave is a verb. It is something you choose to do. Dani is couraging right now; if you are attempting to change something negative in your life, you are couraging, too.

Dani’s illustration of my quote: “Courage is dreams with shoes on” is a reminder that every positive change first requires being brave enough to lace up your Courage Shoes and take the first step toward change.

After we discussed courage, Dani and I talked about Lowering Expectations.

Dani (and most of us!) want overnight change — and then expect ourselves to be able to change overnight.

Okay, loves: to put it as nicely as I can… it doesn’t work that way.

It took time to get into our mess; it takes time to get out. So, we must lower our expectations of how much we can accomplish and how quickly, until we come up with an action step that is easy.

That’s right, I said easy. We keep lowering expectations until we find something we are absolutely able to accomplish: the one or two small steps we know we can take in the right direction.

Like this: EXPECTATIONS. LOWER. Lower, Lower…even lower…easy… there.

The reason is simple: success builds on success. We need early success to keep ourselves going, so we can get to the point where our small successes grow exponentially.

In Dani’s case, we identified two action steps she could easily practice every day for the next 7-10 days:

 

STEP 1: PUT DOWN THE WHIP

Like many of us — especially those who identify as "Type-A" — Dani is good at criticizing herself mentally when it comes to overusing her phone. When dealing with the phone issue this is especially tricky because Dani knows what she should do, but does the opposite (using the phone compulsively) anyway. Then she gets even more frustrated with herself.

She gets sucked into the Cycle of Despair: Do harmful thing, “whip” yourself for doing harmful thing, feel even worse, do harmful thing again to feel better, repeat, repeat, repeat.

Anyone else been there? Me too. Which is how I know the only solution to the Cycle of Despair is self-love.

In case anyone out there is confused about what this means (I spent about a decade figuring it out) — self-love is treating yourself the same way you would treat a person you love. Would you say the things to a friend you say to yourself in your head? Didn’t think so. Would you punish/mentally torture a person you adore? Nope.

Consider how you would treat your best friend is he/she was struggling with an issue, and actively trying to make a positive life change. Now, turn that loving energy and kind action inward….and put down the whip for good.

 

STEP 2: GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION

Piggybacking on all that self-love is the idea of giving yourself permission to be exactly where you are, exactly as you are, without judgement. Since you’ve put down the whip, you can focus on being present with your behavior: observing it without the goal of massive overnight change.

Before you can make positive progress, you have to notice the negative. Since you can’t change anything until you figure out your patterns and triggers; give yourself permission to simply notice your actions and feelings as they arise.

By “notice,” I mean, whenever you find yourself engaging in or wanting to engage in a harmful behavior, take a step back and be present with it.

Pause, breathe, pay attention: What is the situation? What thoughts are you having? What is your emotional state? How does your body feel?

You can practice paying attention with or without taking notes, but writing is a great way to stay in the present moment

Dani finds it helpful to keep a notebook handy — a real live one with a pen, not on her phone! — to record her thoughts and feelings as they come up.

During our next coaching call, we’ll use her notes to create a strategy of next steps to move her closer to her goal of pain-free, helpful phone use.

To make the concept of giving yourself permission more tangible, Dani and I have created an actual permission slip that you can use to tackle any self-sabotaging behaviors you might be struggling with.

Click here to download the Permission Slip PDF 

 

I'm so thankful that Reba is willing to work with me on this tricky phone overuse issue. I've only been focusing on it for a short while and already I feel like I've made so much positive progress! To connect with Reba Riley about coaching, speaking engagements, or television, please email connect@rebariley.com. You can find Reba online on Instagram @RebaRileyAuthor and Twitter @RebaRiley and Facebook @RebaRileyAuthor.

Using TransforMotion for Phone Overuse

 

A few weeks ago, you might remember that I wrote about phone addiction, which is something I'm really struggling with. Shortly after I wrote that post, I was talking to my friend Reba Riley about my problem, and she offered to help me out! I'm so thrilled to have someone to work with as a I strive to overcome this, as we all know how hard it can be doing it alone. As Reba and I work through this, I'll be sharing some guest posts from her here, featuring her wisdom and insights, so you can learn along with me. A bit about Reba... She is a bestselling author, keynote speaker, television commentator, and life coach, who created TransforMotion: a coaching method focused on emotional transformation through physical action. Above all Reba is a friend committed to helping me — and our Positively Present community — overcome the challenges we face. My issue is the phone, but I think you’ll find her advice applicable to a wide range of struggles. Keep reading to learn about how Reba is helping me to tackle this tough situation! 

 

When Dani reached out to me about her compulsive phone use, my first thought was Courage.

I told Dani it takes tremendous courage to recognize a problem behavior and even more to ask for help.

We often overlook this everyday valor, because it doesn’t square with our idea of being brave. Firefighters and soldiers are the courageous ones, we think — which is true! But their bravery does not negate our own.

Courage is not about comparison: it is the act of taking the next right step in any situation you find yourself in.

I call this “Couraging” — because brave is a verb. It is something you choose to do. Dani is couraging right now; if you are attempting to change something negative in your life, you are couraging, too.

Dani’s illustration of my quote: “Courage is dreams with shoes on” is a reminder that every positive change first requires being brave enough to lace up your Courage Shoes and take the first step toward change.

After we discussed courage, Dani and I talked about Lowering Expectations.

Dani (and most of us!) want overnight change — and then expect ourselves to be able to change overnight.

Okay, loves: to put it as nicely as I can… it doesn’t work that way.

It took time to get into our mess; it takes time to get out. So, we must lower our expectations of how much we can accomplish and how quickly, until we come up with an action step that is easy.

That’s right, I said easy. We keep lowering expectations until we find something we are absolutely able to accomplish: the one or two small steps we know we can take in the right direction.

Like this: EXPECTATIONS. LOWER. Lower, Lower…even lower…easy… there.

The reason is simple: success builds on success. We need early success to keep ourselves going, so we can get to the point where our small successes grow exponentially.

In Dani’s case, we identified two action steps she could easily practice every day for the next 7-10 days:

 

STEP 1: PUT DOWN THE WHIP

Like many of us — especially those who identify as "Type-A" — Dani is good at criticizing herself mentally when it comes to overusing her phone. When dealing with the phone issue this is especially tricky because Dani knows what she should do, but does the opposite (using the phone compulsively) anyway. Then she gets even more frustrated with herself.

She gets sucked into the Cycle of Despair: Do harmful thing, “whip” yourself for doing harmful thing, feel even worse, do harmful thing again to feel better, repeat, repeat, repeat.

Anyone else been there? Me too. Which is how I know the only solution to the Cycle of Despair is self-love.

In case anyone out there is confused about what this means (I spent about a decade figuring it out) — self-love is treating yourself the same way you would treat a person you love. Would you say the things to a friend you say to yourself in your head? Didn’t think so. Would you punish/mentally torture a person you adore? Nope.

Consider how you would treat your best friend is he/she was struggling with an issue, and actively trying to make a positive life change. Now, turn that loving energy and kind action inward….and put down the whip for good.

 

STEP 2: GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION

Piggybacking on all that self-love is the idea of giving yourself permission to be exactly where you are, exactly as you are, without judgement. Since you’ve put down the whip, you can focus on being present with your behavior: observing it without the goal of massive overnight change.

Before you can make positive progress, you have to notice the negative. Since you can’t change anything until you figure out your patterns and triggers; give yourself permission to simply notice your actions and feelings as they arise.

By “notice,” I mean, whenever you find yourself engaging in or wanting to engage in a harmful behavior, take a step back and be present with it.

Pause, breathe, pay attention: What is the situation? What thoughts are you having? What is your emotional state? How does your body feel?

You can practice paying attention with or without taking notes, but writing is a great way to stay in the present moment

Dani finds it helpful to keep a notebook handy — a real live one with a pen, not on her phone! — to record her thoughts and feelings as they come up.

During our next coaching call, we’ll use her notes to create a strategy of next steps to move her closer to her goal of pain-free, helpful phone use.

To make the concept of giving yourself permission more tangible, Dani and I have created an actual permission slip that you can use to tackle any self-sabotaging behaviors you might be struggling with.

Click here to download the Permission Slip PDF 

 

I'm so thankful that Reba is willing to work with me on this tricky phone overuse issue. I've only been focusing on it for a short while and already I feel like I've made so much positive progress! To connect with Reba Riley about coaching, speaking engagements, or television, please email connect@rebariley.com. You can find Reba online on Instagram @RebaRileyAuthor and Twitter @RebaRiley and Facebook @RebaRileyAuthor.

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Encouragement for New Parents

Check out this print in the shop! 

 

Over the years, I've received requests to write about staying positive as a parent or about how to be a good parent, but, since I'm not a parent and never plan to be one, it's not a topic I have any business writing about. However, over the weekend, I became an aunt for the first time so now it's time for me to sharing all of my positive parenting tips! I'm kidding. I don't have a clue what it's like to be a new parent, and, even those who have been new parents don't know what it's like to be my sister and her husband, new parents to this specific new little person (who I already love so much!!). 

It seems to me having all the seasoned parents offering you, a new parent, advice would get old pretty quickly. Yes, intentions are good, and, yes, someone who has already been a parent has insights and experience, but I'd imagine that hearing, "When I had my first baby..." isn't always helpful. Plus, you can literally google anything so it's not like, as a parent, you really need the unsolicited advice of other parents. I started thinking about what I'd want if I had just had a baby, and, based on my understanding of what it's like — amazing, surreal, terrifying, exciting, overwhelming, exhausting — I thought I'd offer some encouragement rather than advice. 

I drew the illustration above (also available in the shop if you know any new parents who might need it!) awhile back in preparation of the arrival of my little nephew, but here's a more in-depth take on what I was thinking while brainstorming some of these little bits of encouragement... (And, to be honest, most of us, parents or not, could use these reminders!)

 

LEARN AS YOU GO. 

Parenting looks incredibly hard, and it seems to me that, no matter how much research you do, no matter how many parenting books you read or courses you take, a lot of the time you're going to have to just learn it as you're experiencing it. It seems like one of those things that, no matter how much you prepare, you're still going to be learning all the time. As a new parent, I'd imagine that this is important to remember because it probably seems, at times, like you don't know what you're doing. But, just like any other super important job, no matter how prepared you are, you're still going to learn as you go along because you're dealing with a brand new, unique little person. 

 

PERFECTION IS A MYTH. 

There is no perfect parent. There is no perfect parenting technique. Every parent is unique, every family dynamic is unique, and every baby is unique, so, while there are tons of great ideas and tips for being a good parent, there's no one-size-fits-all, "perfect" way to do it. Plus, parenting is a full-time, 24/7 job. If you're doing something literally all of the time, it's impossible to do it flawlessly. Being a parent is like being a person. You do the best you can with whatever skills and knowledge you have and you usually keep getting better and better at it. Parenthood (and personhood) is a crazy concoction of success and slip-ups, of trying your best and trying to figure out what the heck is going on. No one is doing it perfectly and that's perfectly okay. 

 

DON'T COMPARE. 

Even if you know that perfection is a myth, it's probably pretty tough to be a parent and see all of the "perfect" representations of parenthood online. All of the mommy bloggers and the Instagram celebrities showing off their post-baby bodies, their perfectly lit little bundles of joy, their immaculate nurseries. I'm obviously not a parent, but even I get envious when I see how neat and tidy and perfect those lives look online. But none of that is real life. There is a behind-the-scenes to every perfect image shared online — the baby's post-photoshoot meltdown, the messy side of the room not shown in the photo, the not-Instagrammable emotional highs and lows of caring for a newborn. Parenting looks like the hardest thing ever and I bet there is no one, no matter how gorgeous their online presence looks, that isn't having a tough time with it. 

 

TAKE TIME FOR YOU. 

To be honest, this probably falls more in the "advice" category instead of "encouragement," but it seems like something that would be important as a new parent. Obviously, the baby is going to get a ton of attention and focus, but the parents deserve to get some alone time, to have a break, to relax (or at least try to) for a little bit. It's probably not an easy thing to do (and greatly depends on the situation and how much help the parents have available), but it seems like a good thing to at least strive for when becoming a new parent. Because, just like any relationship, the more you take care of yourself, the easier it is to take care of others. (That being said, new parents shouldn't beat themselves up if they can't find time for, or don't want, "me time." Everyone and every situation is different and new parents should do what's best for themselves and their baby.)

 

YOU HAVE WHAT YOU NEED. 

Considering what a massive and new undertaking parenting is, I bet most new parents feel some level of unpreparedness when they're given that adorable little swaddled baby. I'm guessing most parents feel they're lacking in something because being completely responsible for another human being is pretty much the most important job, and how in the world do you accurately prepare for such a thing?! But, when it comes down to it, if they've got love and are doing the best they can, parents have what they need. Just think of all the people who are, or have been, parents. Sure, some of them are terrible at it, but tons of them have done an amazing job. Babies mostly need love and food and if you can provide those things, you've got what you need to get started making an awesome human being. 

 

FEEL HOW YOU FEEL. 

When making the illustration, this one was the most important for me to include. From what I understand about parenting, it's both incredibly amazing and terrifyingly overwhelming, particularly the first time you do it. And it seems to me that one of the toughest things about it is being expected to feel a certain way about it. Everyone around you is so happy and excited about your new baby, but they all get to go home and go back to their normal lives, while you, as new parents, continue to have your life completely changed forever. (Not to be dramatic or anything, haha.) I'm guessing that a really tough part about being a new parent is feeling a crazy range of emotions, while also feeling that you should just be overjoyed and grateful. So it seems to me that one of the best bits of encouragement for a new parent would be a reminder that they should just feel how they feel (and a reminder that you can feel conflicting emotions at the same time and still be a wonderful, loving parent). Change, even when positive, is a lot to deal with and new parents should be allowed to literally feel all the feels. 

 

I couldn't be more thrilled to be an aunt for the first time! If you're an aunt or an uncle, I'd love to know if you have any tips or advice. Also, if you're a new parent, congratulations! :) If you — or any of the more experienced parents— have any additional bits of encouragement for me to pass along to my little sis, let me know in the comments below! 

 

 

 

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A Complete Guide to the Decision Making Process

Everything boils down to choices. It’s one of the few shared experiences among humans. All of us make decisions. We all live with the results of the decisions we make. ... Continue Reading...

IMPORTANT EMAIL UPDATE!

IMPORTANT!! IF YOU WANT TO KEEP RECEIVING EMAILS, YOU MUST SIGN UP BELOW! :)

I'm making some changes over here at Positively Present! Right now, if you're on the email list, you receive an email every time a new blog post goes up (Monday and Friday), but I'm switching it up and getting a new email service. Important to know: 

• If you want to keep receiving emails, you MUST sign up below. The old email service will be deleted this weekend so if you don't sign up below (or here), you'll miss out on Positively Present in your in-box. 
  
  
• Positively Present Picks will only be available via email. Instead of a Friday blog post featuring the links I love, those links will be sent via the new email format. I know a lot of you love those weekly round-ups, so be sure to sign up below so you don't miss them! 
  
  
• You'll receive one email every Friday, starting May 25. Rather than the Monday/Friday emails you've been receiving, you'll receive one email on Fridays, which will feature: 
  
  
  • The latest blog post
  • Positively Present Picks (a round-up of good stuff I've found over the week)
  • Fun inspiration, free downloads, and more! 

 

Sign up below to receive the weekly Positively Present Newsletter, featuring the latest blog post, a round-up of Dani's weekly finds, and additional inspiring content! Your email is safe with us! We will never send you any email spam or share your email address with any third-party vendors without your permission.  

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I've been wanting to do this — have a normal weekly newsletter instead of just blog posts delivered via email — for so long, and I'm so excited that I'm finally doing it! It's going to be awesome, and I know you're going to love it. Bear with me the next few weeks as I get used to this new process, and be sure to sign up above so you don't miss out on all of the exciting things coming your way! 

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5 Tips for Coping with Workweek Anxiety

 

Whether you feel love, hate, or indifference for the work you do, you're probably familiar with the anxiety that can hit at the end of the weekend when you know the workweek is upon you. Even though I'm incredibly fortunate to do what I love for a living, I still face that stressful Sunday feeling (though, admittedly, it's much less intense than when I had a typical office job, but that's mostly because I work every day so there's no true start to the week for me!).

Settling my brain down on Sundays is a challenge, but I've finally come to the realization (after over a decade of working, ha!) that it's not something that's going to ever go away. So, rather than fight it each week, I've spent some time thinking about how to cope with it the best way I can. Here the five tips that help me the most when it comes to coping with the anxiety that seems to pop up right before the workweek begins...

 

1. CREATE A CALMING RITUAL. 

There's an old saying, "A Sunday well-spent brings a week of content," that I couldn't agree with more. What you do on Sunday can really set the tone for the week. For this reason, I do my best to do something relaxing and soothing on Sundays. Ideally I'd have a fixed ritual — maybe a warm bath, a walk through the park, or a creative activity — that would signify the end of the weekend and the beginning of the week, but, for now, I just try to do at least something relaxing. (I also try to work less on Sundays, if at all, but I'm still struggling with that creative work/life balance!) If there's a way to do the same relaxing activity every Sunday, I'd highly recommend it. It'll be a nice treat for you and a great way to positively transition from weekend to workweek. 

2. PREPARE WHAT YOU CAN.

When it comes to combating anxiety of any kind, one of the most helpful things I can do for myself is to be as prepared as possible. The more prepared I am for what's to come, the less I have to worry about on the big day (even if the "big day" is just a typical Monday at work!). Whenever I've had an office job (or when I have client meetings), I always prepare my outfits the night before so I don't have to think about what I'm going to wear the next day. I set everything out on garment rack and that way I can just grab what I need and I won't have to stress about what I'm going to wear. Same goes for things like lunch, to-do lists — if there's a way to prep them ahead of time, do so! It can be a bit of a pain doing the prep work, but it'll really help you start off a stress-filled day on the right foot. 

3. STAY IN THE PRESENT MOMENT. 

If you're stressed about the week ahead, it's challenging not to worry about it, particularly on Sunday nights, when it's looming ever closer. If you're a worrier or anxiety-prone, it can be tough not to let these thoughts get the best of you (even when you know they're not good for you!). One of the best ways to combat worrying about the future is to stay in the present. Schedule engaging activities (checking out a new restaurant with friends, trying some sort of exercise you don't usually do, or creating some kind of art) that'll keep your mind in the moment and distract you from your worries. If you're doing the same old routine right before a stressful day, it's going to be tough not to worry, so find something that'll keep your mind on the present moment.

4. FOCUS ON WHAT YOU ENJOY. 

When you do find your mind venturing into that worry zone, thinking about the workweek and all you have to do (or all you've not yet done! ahh!), challenge yourself by trying to turn your attention from what you don't like (aka, what you're worrying about) to what you do like. If you don't enjoy your job, this can be tricky, but, even when I've really, really disliked a job, there's always been something positive about it — like the people I worked with, the things I was learning (about the work and about myself!), the praise I received for a job well done, etc. No matter how unpleasant the job, you're learning something, and that's worthy of your gratitude. Plus, you never know where a job will lead you, so keeping an open mind to the good things (however small!) can help combat any anxiety you might be experiencing. 

 

5. CUT DOWN ON THE VENTING. 

It's tempting to chat with a friends or partner and bring up the topic of dreading the workweek, but it's not helping you or them to spend time venting about how much you dislike Monday. The "I hate Monday" mantra is an easy way to bond with others, since most of us experience some level of workweek anxiety, but the more you say it, the more you reinforce it. Your words — and thoughts! — shape your reality. In an ideal world, you'd look at yourself in the mirror every Sunday night and say, "I love Mondays!!!," but, let's be real: you're not going to do that. So, absent of adopting a pro-Monday mantra, one of the best things you can do for your workweek anxiety is pay attention to how you think and talk about the upcoming week and, if you don't have anything positive to say, at least do your best to keep in neutral.

 

If you experience workweek anxiety, you're not alone. Having had the cry-every-Sunday-night kind of job and the I'm-so-lucky-to-what-I-love kind of job, I've encountered quite a range of workweek-related emotions, and I've come to the conclusion that, no matter what your job and how you feel about it, the start of a new week can cause a lot of anxiety and stress. I hope these five tips help you cope with any workweek anxiety you might be facing, and I'd love to know if you have any additional tips, too. Let me know what you do to cope at the start of the week in the comments below! 

 

 

Thank you to Sunday Scaries for sponsoring today's post! 

Sunday Scaries are CBD gummies that are custom formulated for anxiety. We incorporate vitamins B-12 and D-3 as mood boosters and to increase the bio-availiablity of the 10mg of CBD per gummy. The gummies taste amazing and they are manufactured with a consistent dosing of full spectrum CBD to ensure reliable efficacy every time. The gummies contain zero THC, which means they are non-psychoactive and will not get you high. They are a healthy and non-habit forming alternative for anxiety relief and can be a replacement or supplement for medication. To order the gummies, visit https://forsundayscaries.com/cbdproducts/. Use promo code positivelypresent for 10% off orders!

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Positively Present Picks : May 11, 2018

Click to check out this print and others in the shop! 

"To be happy we must not be too concerned with others."

Albert Camus

 

PRINT SHOP! : thank you so much for all of the print shop love! :) 

Do It Wall Art : absolutely love this inspiring + creative pice of art

Spread Positivity : what a pretty + motivating little sticker

Pain Is Energy : such a thought-provoking way of thinking of pain

5 Journal Prompts to Help You Release Anxiety : trying these for sure

Mindfulness Workbook for Anxiety : definitely want to check this out

Dog Feelings : this Twitter account always brightens my day

Put the Phone Down + Do Something : yes, I needed to see this!!

Stop Taking Things Personally : 10 notes-to-self to help you out

How to Choose a Purpose-Filled Career : great insights in this one

The Positivity Kit : check this out for uplifting inspiration

Dog Mom Desktop / Phone Wallpaper : monthly freebies I love

Mindfulness Matters : love the idea of play therapy + this is cute!

 

Check out my reading list on GoodReads.
 

The Mortifications
Derek Palacio

Faithful
Alice Hoffman
 

I write books too! Check it out...

The Positively Present Guide to Life

Effortless Inspiration Series:
Gratitude, Living in the Moment, 
Compassion, and Forgiveness

Stay Positive: Daily Reminders
from Positively Present

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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