Letting Go of Old and Outdated Thoughts and Ideas

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6 Steps for Dealing with Emotionally Draining People

 

 

 

Do you have a friend (or coworker or family member) who leaves you feeling exhausted and emotionally drained after you interact with him or her? You're not alone. Empathy and sympathy are incredible skills to have and maintain, but practicing them can, at times, be overwhelming and emotionally (and sometimes physically) draining, especially if you are a highly sensitive person who tends to absorb the emotional states of others. A friend recently emailed me and asked for my advice. What should I do, she asked, when my best friend calls me and shares traumatic events she frequently experiences frequently as a result of her career? How do I cope with the negative emotions I indirectly experience as a result of listening to her? Is this just what best friends are supposed to do, allow themselves to be emotionally hijacked in order to offer support and comfort? 

 

My first reaction to this was: no, friendship is absolutely not about being supportive and comforting at the risk of undoing your own mental wellbeing. My second reaction was: I've experienced this before, too, and I've heard others talk about similar situations as well, so it seemed like a great topic to dive into this week. If you haven't already, at some point you're going to encounter someone who feels emotionally draining but who, due to circumstances out of your control (or because you don't want to), you cannot completely remove from your life. Here are some of the best ways to deal with emotionally draining people. 

 

 

 

 

STEP 1 : CREATE PERSONAL PEACE

 

First and foremost, you have to be in a peaceful emotional state yourself, or it's going to be really difficult to cope with others' emotions. Of course, creating personal peace is no easy task (it's kind of the point of this whole website, in fact, and I'm still learning how to do it!), but it's important to make the effort. Your life as a whole (when you're not interacting with this emotionally draining individual) influences your interactions with others, so it's important to do the best you can to take care of yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally so you're in the best possible shape to cope when others come to you for comfort or counsel. This will always be a work in progress so don't beat yourself up if you don't have this down. Just keep trying to create as much personal peace as you can. 

 

 

 

STEP 2 : ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES

 

Once you have personal peace (hahaha, jk, that's a lifelong journey, but at least you're trying!), it's time to establish your boundaries for what you'll allow to penetrate that peace. It sounds like this wouldn't be too hard, but it's actually quite a tough task when it comes to people you love (or people you have to work with and can't just avoid). Years ago I wrote Preserving Your Perimeter: 4 Steps to Set Boundaries, and it's worth a read if you're struggling to identify, set, and maintain your boundaries with others. Learning about personal boundaries has been life-changing for me, and it's one of the best ways to combat emotional fatigue. 

 

 

 

STEP 3 : BE HONEST + DIRECT

 

Now that you're perfectly peaceful (ha!) and you've identified what your boundaries are, it's time for the challenging part: communicating your thoughts and boundaries to those around you. It's important to remember that other people can't read your mind. Most of the time they don't have any idea that they're negatively influencing your emotional state. You don't have to be harsh or cruel when you communicate with others, but you must be honest and direct. You'll probably feel vulnerable (and maybe even a bit selfish) by expressing how you feel, but it's worth it to maintain your own mental health, and to ultimately be a better friend / coworker / partner / etc. 

 

 

 

STEP 4 : OFFER AN ALTERNATIVE

 

After you've conveyed your feelings, it may be helpful to offer an alternative. For example, let's say a friend is sharing her heartbreaking experiences with emotional abuse, pain so raw and real that it's difficult for you to cope with. After explaining to her that the emotional burden is too much for you, do some research and offer her solutions, information, or suggest a professional who can better help her deal with her situation. While it's wonderful to be a good listener and a empathetic friend, if someone you know is going through deep emotional stress, the best thing s/he can do is seek the advice and guidance of a professional, not simply the comfort of a friend. Friends ≠ therapists.

 

 

 

STEP 5 : COUNTERACT THE IMPACT

 

If you have to interact with an emotionally draining person (and, despite all of your efforts to create boundaries and honestly convey your feelings, you will), one of the best things you can do for yourself is to counteract the emotional impact with positive experiences. If possible, bookend your emotionally draining experience with uplifting and inspiring ones. These don't have to be grand activities -- just reading an inspiring quote, for example, could count as a positive bookend -- but they should be implemented as much as possible. Know you're going to have a tough meeting with a coworker? Treat yourself to reading a chapter of an uplifting book beforehand and schedule a meeting with an inspiring colleague after to make the experience more bearable.  

 

 

 

STEP 6 : CONSIDER DISTANCING YOURSELF

 

If you're dealing with a close friend, coworker, or partner, this can be challenging, but it's up to you to enforce your own emotional boundaries. It might feel like you have no choice (I can't dump my best friend! I can't leave this job! I don't want a divorce!), but you always have a choice. If someone drains you to the point that it's unbearable, you need to consider the possibility that this person isn't a good fit for your life. If you've done the five steps above and this person continues to drag you down emotionally, it might be time to remove yourself from the friendship / job / relationship. That's not easy to hear, but you'll know, deep down in your heart, if this person's impact is so great that it's preventing you from living an emotionally sane life. Yes, a great deal of your emotional state is up to you, but part of maintaining your own personal peace means making choices to eliminate the people who threaten the kind of life you want to be living. 

 

 

 

If you're currently in a situation with an emotionally draining individual, it's my hope that these tips with positively impact that relationship in some way. Always remember: You can be a good friend without being a therapist. You can be a good coworker without being a therapist. You can be a good partner or parent or sibling or child without being a therapist. You are not required (nor qualified, in most cases) to be anyone else's therapist or emotional dumping ground, and you can, with kindness and compassion, often find a way to maintain a relationship with this person without sacrificing your own emotional health. 

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Positively Present Picks: October 6, 2017

“Not everything that is faced can be changed,
but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”

James Baldwin

 

Things Are What You Make of Them : Adam's new book is soooo good

How to Help Las Vegas Shooting Victims : a great round-up of resources

GoodNewspaper : love the idea of a paper focusing on all of the good

Sneezing Owl : this is just too cute (I watched it like 10 times!)

7 Things to Remember When You're Scared to Speak Up

The Only One : an important reminder to reach out to loved ones

How to Do the Things You Don't Want To : great motivation here

A Gust of Wind... : this new Marc Johns print is so inspiring 

The Ideal vs. the Reality of Changing Your Life : it can be tough, but so can you

Endangered Apparel : 20% of profits donated to animals! yes! 

How to Teach Meditation to Children : want calmer kids? read this.

  

Listen to this playlist on YouTube.
Finally on Spotify! Follow me!

"Wildflowers" — Tom Petty
"Oh Oh" — Shout Out Louds
"California Sun" — Right the Stars
"Lost" — Illenium
"If I Dare"— Sara Bareilles
"The Wave" — Elohim
"Beautiful Trauma" — P!nk
"You Don't Know How It Feels" — Tom Petty
"Like That" — Bea Miller
"You Won't Know Where You Stand" — Aquilo

Check out my reading list on GoodReads.
 

The Infinite Plan
Isable Allende

What Is Post-Traumatic Growth?
Miriam Akhtar

Rescued: What Second-Chance
Dogs Teach Us About Living...
Peter Zheutlin

 

I write books too! Check it out...

The Positively Present Guide to Life

Effortless Inspiration Series:
Gratitude, Living in the Moment, 
Compassion, and Forgiveness

Stay Positive: Daily Reminders
from Positively Present

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some links may be affiliate links. If you click on them and purchase something, I receive a commission. There is no additional cost to you if you use these links, and I will never share links for products I haven't or wouldn't purchase myself. For more information on affiliate links, please visit the Terms of Use page. 

KEEP YOUR COOL: 20 TACTICS FOR DEALING WITH ANNOYING, DIFFICULT OR UNREASONABLE PEOPLE

By Kate Taylor

 

The yackaholic who hogs every conversation. The co-worker who gossips and tells lies about us. The in-law who comments on our every weight fluctuation.

Most of us have at least a few difficult, annoying or unreasonable people in our lives. People who jack up our blood pressure and set our teeth on edge. People we’d absolutely love to mute. Or better yet, delete.

Sadly, we’re not omnipotent. But we can be the next best thing: unflappable.

With the right arsenal of coping skills, we can prepare ourselves to handle any and all of those who would otherwise destroy our peace of mind.

Those gremlins include:

• People who twist our words and claim that we’re lousy communicators.
• People who make subtly or overtly demeaning comments to us, or disguise such comments as “jokes.”
• People who don’t respect our boundaries and seem to enjoy stepping all over them.
• People who aren’t willing to consider our points of view or listen to our opinions. These types typically respond to us by staring blankly, laughing or blowing up.
• Bullies
• Verbal or emotional abusers (these can also range from subtle to overt)
• Manipulators
• Liars
• “Crazymakers.” In other words, people who try to provoke us into acting crazy or worrying that there’s something wrong with us.
• Excessively charming people who are too good to be true and have ulterior motives.

 

The following 20 tried-and-true coping skills can help us avoid fruitless confrontations and survive all kinds of personal and professional situations with our happiness intact.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-the-questions/201503/20-expert-tactics-dealing-difficult-people

 

1. Listening is the number one step in dealing with “unreasonable” people. Everyone wants to feel heard. No progress can take place until the other person feels acknowledged. While you’re listening, really focus on what the other person is saying, not what you want to say next.

2. Stay calm. When a situation is emotionally charged, it’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment. Pay attention to your breathing. Try to take some slow, deep breaths.

 

3. Don’t judge. You don’t know what the other person is going through. Chances are, the person who is being unreasonable is feeling some kind of vulnerability or fear.

 

4. Reflect respect and dignity toward the other person. No matter how a person is treating you, showing contempt will not help productively resolve the situation.

 

5. Look for the hidden need. What is this person really trying to gain? What is this person trying to avoid?

 

6. Look for others around you who might be able to help.If you’re at work and there’s an irate customer, quickly scan to see if a colleague is close by.

7. Don’t demand compliance. For example, telling someone who’s upset to be quiet and calm down will just make him or her irate. Instead, ask the person what they are upset about—and allow them to vent.

 

8. Saying, “I understand,” usually makes things worse.Instead, say, “Tell me more so I can understand better.”

 

9. Avoid smiling, as this may look like you are mocking the person. Similarly, humor can sometimes lighten the mood, but more often than not, it’s risky and it may backfire.

 

• Don’t act This is tough. You’re naturally not enjoying the other person saying nasty things or things that you know aren’t true. You’re going to want to defend yourself. But the other person is so emotionally revved up, it’s not going to help. Remember, this is not about you. Don’t take it personally. (I know, easier said than done.)

• Don’t return anger with anger. Raising your voice, pointing your finger, or speaking disrespectfully to the other person will add fuel to an already heated situation. Use a low, calm, even monotone voice. Don’t try to talk over the person. Wait until the person takes a breath and then speak.

 

• Don’t argue or try to convince the other person of anything. Unreasonable people are un-reasonable.

 

• Keep extra space between you and the other person.Your instinct may be to try to calm the other person down by putting your arm on theirs, or some other similar gesture that may be appropriate in other contexts. But if someone is already upset, avoid touch, as it might be misinterpreted.

 

• Saying, “I’m sorry,” or, “I’m going to try to fix this,” can go a long way toward defusing many situations.

• Set limits and boundaries. While some of the above tips have encouraged listening and letting the angry person vent, you also have the right to be assertive and say, “Please don’t talk to me like that.”

 

• Trust your instincts. If your gut is saying, this is going downhill fast, be ready to do what you need to do to remain safe. Look for an exit strategy.

 

• One response does not fit all. You must remain flexible. Although these guidelines have proven effective in de-escalating tough situations, every person is unique and may respond differently.

 

• After the situation is over, talk to someone about what happened.

• Discharge your own stress. You had to put your natural reactions on hold for a while. Now is the time to discharge some of that pent-up adrenaline. Go for a run. Take your dog for a walk. Don’t let the emotions stay stuck in your body.

 

20. Give yourself credit for getting through an uncomfortable situation. It takes a lot of energy not to act like a jerk when someone else is behaving badly. Don’t skip this step!

 

TAGS: annoying people

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OBSESSED WITH THAT NEW WRINKLE? OR THAT NEW WHITE HAIR?

By Kate Taylor

The post OBSESSED WITH THAT NEW WRINKLE? OR THAT NEW WHITE HAIR? appeared first on .

Seeking Sobriety? 9 Tips for Getting Started

 

A little while back, a friend reached out to me and said she'd reached a point in her life where she thought it was time for her to seek out sobriety. She was wondering if I had any advice for her, and, as I was replying to her an email, I realized I was basically writing a blog post (I surprised even myself with how much I had to say on the topic just off the top of my head!).

If you're trying to get sober or even just considering the idea, here are some things I think are really important to know as you're starting out. And if you're not seeking sobriety, these tips still might be useful for you if you're trying to break a bad habit (or even just trying to live a positive and present life!).

 

1. Surround yourself with people who get it and are encouraging. A lot of people won’t get it, won’t think you have a problem, won’t be very supportive. It’s often because they know that if they say you have a problem, that means that they also might have a problem and they don’t want to deal with that. When I first got sober, I was really lucky to have a partner in my life who gave up drinking in solidarity with me. I honestly don't know if I could have done it while living with someone else who was still drinking. The people you're around make a huge difference in getting and staying sober. 
   
   
2. Don’t put yourself in tempting situations, especially at the beginning. Avoiding parties and social gatherings wasn't too tough for me at the beginning, since I'm pretty introverted by nature, but I did have to learn to pay attention to when I felt most tempted to drink and avoid those occasions. At the beginning, I had to turn down a lot of invitations because I knew I would be way too tempted. Because I started drinking so young, I had to learn how to socialize without alcohol, and that was (still is sometimes) tough, but avoiding temptation is key at the beginning. 
   
   
3. Find something to take up your time and energy. For me, this ended up being Positively Present. I was able to fill my weekends with writing and creating the website, which made it a little easier to not be out drinking. I never would have been able to focus on Positively Present if I'd been hungover, so it became it's own reward, accomplishing something (a blog post) each week that I wouldn't have been able to do while drinking. Distraction and filling up your time with positive, non-drinking activities is essential to avoid not slipping back into old patterns. 
   
   
4. Take it one day at a time. Yes, I know this is the most cliched thing in the world, but it's stuck around because it's true. Whenever I would think about never drinking again, my mind would go into a panic. But if I told myself, I'm not going to drink at this party, it was much easier to cope with than I'm never, ever drinking again. Sometimes I even broke it down further (I'm not going to drink for the next hour / 30 mins / 5 mins, etc.) It sounds silly, but taking that "never ever ever going to drink again" idea away made it so much easier for me. 
   
   
5. Know you’re likely to slip up or have a relapse. Almost everyone I know who has given up drinking has had a relapse. I was eight months sober and then my sister's wedding came around, and the back of the limo with all of that champagne and excitement (and nervousness about my maid-of-honor speech) was just too much for me. It was awful to feel like I lost all of that progress in one night, but the key is not to use a relapse as excuse to give up. I woke up the next day and decided I was going to start over again, and here I am, seven years later! 
   
   
6. Consider going to meetings, like AA, or therapy. It wasn't until I found the right therapist, one with alcohol and addiction expertise, that I realized I had a problem. Because of my environment, I thought my behavior and the repercussions of it were normal, but the right therapist showed me there was a totally different way to live. I also tried AA, but as an atheist, it was a little too god-focused for me, but I know a lot of people who find that community really helpful. 
   
   
7. Make a list of things you’ve done while drinking that were unhealthy. This was one of the first things my therapist had me do, and it was a game-changer for me. When I saw, in writing, all of the ways my life had been negatively impacted by my drinking, it became really difficult for me to justify mixing another drink. Almost every single bad thing that had ever happened to me was a result, directly or indirectly, of alcohol consumption. Once I saw this clearly written out in a list, it became really hard to rationalize my old ways. 
   
   
8. Understand that it’s gonna be really hard at first. Especially at the beginning, it feels really bad. It feels like you're not having fun, that a whole big part of your life is missing, but, I promise, if you stick with it, it gets so much easier. I can't say it's ever easy (there aren't many days when the thought of a drink doesn't cross my mind), but every single time I say no to that impulse, it gets easier. This probably won't be too much comfort in the beginning, but it's always good to have hope that things won't always be as hard. 
   
   
9. Think about your future self. Whenever I'm really struggling, I remind myself that I’ve never once regretted not drinking, but I sure as hell have a regretted drinking many, many times. If you find yourself in a situation where you’re struggling, remember that you'll never wake up regretting that you didn’t drink. Of course, I try my best to stay present, but looking out for your future self — the one who will be waking up and dealing with last night's repercussions — can be really helpful. 

Staying sober is really hard work, but I've always found that the work always pays off. If you're looking for more insights on staying sober, check out the Sobriety section here on Positively Present or my 6 Lessons from 6 Years Sober video. And if you have any questions about how I got and stayed sober, feel free to leave them in the comments below! 

 

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

75 Motivational Success Status and Quotes for WhatsApp

We all love to post statuses and quotes about topics that we love. This could be a success status or quote, it could be about motivation, love or happiness, or ... Continue Reading...